i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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