in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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