Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
