I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
