Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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