I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
