In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
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The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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