I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
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... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
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And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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