K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
