he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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