I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
