Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
