So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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