I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
