I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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