I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
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He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
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I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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