just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
