my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
