I swear she didn't look like that last week.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
