You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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