Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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