nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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