I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's blow job season.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
