Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
