If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
