i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
