Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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