she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
