Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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