"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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