i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
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Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
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Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties