Insert tab A into swedish slot B
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me