I haven't been this sober since birth.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car