sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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