Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
