my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
