the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
