I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
