if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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