I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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