Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He better not be in your backpack
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
