Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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