i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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