Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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