a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
