hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
