all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
