it's too hot outside to masturbate.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
