I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
