I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
