i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
