I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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