lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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