I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
