apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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