Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
