you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
