And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
