ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
