John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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